Right. Fuck. I think I can do this one a day thing. Let’s give the first proper post a try.
Commentary in sports videogames is rubbish. Almost always.
And I’ve decided I know why this is. It’s because in, say, FIFA 10, Martin Tyler and Andy Gray aren’t there to talk about the action on-screen. Okay, sure, it’s a simulated effect, with contextually triggered audio samples, so of course they’re not. But I mean that more fundamentally. That isn’t their purpose. Or, at least, it only is on the surface.
No, what they’re actually there to do is teach you to play the game, and advertise its features. They’re there so that, when the opposition first lobs your keeper, you’re pretty sure this is the sort of thing you could try too, because Martin and Andy don’t shut the fuck up about it. They’re there so that there is no fucking way in hell that you will ever forget that you have just performed a celebration, just a few seconds ago. The amount those two witter on about what celebration you’re doing is mind-blowing. I can only assume that it’s to ensure that anyone sitting nearby who hasn’t bought the game yet will be absolutely certain that this is a game in which you can perform celebrations.
They’re also there to teach you about the actual sport the game’s simulating. I can’t imagine for a second that someone would stroll into a shop and grab a copy of FIFA without having at least a passing interest in football, but still. The result of this is that you get some of the most obscenely patronising commentary you’ll ever hear. I recall one of the FIFAs, many years ago, featured John Motson spectacularly stating that my player had to be sent off because “he’s been booked twice, which, of course, these days, means the red card comes out.”
Man. I dunno. This awful commentary is one of several hundred things that’s utterly rubbish about the new FIFA, a game the entire sports-fan gaming press seems to have gone utterly apeshit over for no discernable reason. Hey, guys: it’s a bit better than the last one in terms of what it feels like. But there is no excusing the fact that, across three seasons in Manager Mode now, the fifteen or so injuries my players have suffered from have all been fucking whiplash. Including the one that Andy Gray described as looking like a pretty bad ankle twist.