Earlier, I grabbed some lunch from Subway. Yes, I know. Subway. I have to admit, I’m a sucker for its convenience, although I only ended up there today as I was in a bit of a hurry and my usual sandwich shop was closed. A friend of mine used to work there in his late-teens, and now won’t eat there for fear of food poisoning, such were the company’s dubious health and hygene standards. And you never, ever get enough onion, and always get far too much sauce, even when you ask for “loads of onion and just a little bit of sauce.” They smother the thing in sauce and then say “Is that an okay amount?” and by that stage there’s literally nothing you can do about it unless you want to wait an insufferable amount of time while they make the whole bloody thing again.
So I went to Subway today. I got myself a Meal Deal and sat at one of the tables. Subway, it seems, now has recommendation cards on each table. At the top, each one reads ‘Our Favourites’. My initial assumption, then, was that the smaller, hand-written card tucked inside each one was from a Subway employee or representative, giving you a suggestion of which sandwich you might like to try next time. Which sort of made sense. Each of these little cards featured a name, then the word ‘recommends’, then the name of a sandwich. Except, I’m not so sure whether it really is the staff behind them. Or whether someone who works at one of the several million Leeds branches of Subway is the greatest commedian in the world. Or if… well, I just don’t know. Because the recommendation card on my table was this.
Now, I didn’t manage to get as clear a picture as I’d have liked, mainly because my hands were shaking due to a severe bout of hysterical laughter, which led to a lot of people giving me strange looks. But I’m sure that, despite the blur, you can still make out that Ella Kate recommends “lovely meetball & Horse Tranqualiser”.
At first, I laughed because someone had written Horse Tranqualiser (sic) on a sandwich recommendations card in a popular food outlet. But then, even though I sit here very aware that some little scamp may have added that bit afterwards, a few things just absolutely cripple me with laughter. Firstly, the spelling of “meatballs” is just wonderful. Because I’m strange, I get this wonderful image of a meatball, with a face, smiling and saying “pleased to meet you!” But mostly, I absolutely adore the use of the word “lovely”. When read in this context, it’s utterly brilliant. It’s as if Subway sells two types of “meetball & Horse Tranqualiser” sandwich, and you should make sure you specifically ask for the lovely one, so as not to be disappointed.
From this moment onwards, this is my stock response should someone offer to get me a sandwich from the shop.
“Which sandwich would you like?”
“meetball & Horse Tranqualiser, please… the lovely kind.”