I hope this posts, after last night’s debacle.
Anyway. Tonight I’d like to talk to you about pizzas. Specifically, Supermarket ones, and why they suck. Even the best ones.
Pizzas, in a restaurant or from a take-away, tend to come in a set series of sizes, right? There’s your tiny personal pizza, incapable of filling up anyone but the most waver thin human. That’s 9″. Then there’s a standard pizza that you could happily gobble through yourself, maybe leaving a slice or two for later if you weren’t that hungry at the time. That’d be 11″, then. We’ve got the big bugger sharing pizzas that usually weigh in at about 14″, which leaves you with too little to share between two, but – say – two of these would happily feed a family of three. And then you’ve got the super-enormo-pizzas that are about 16″-17″ that no one ever orders apart from when someone’s bet that they can’t eat it all. (Tip: they can’t.)
These pizza sizes have been thoroughly tested throughout the ages to basically make sense. A 9″ pizza might not be that filling, but it’s fine for – say – a quick lunch-time indulgence. A 17″ pizza might be ludicrously enormous, but hey, you can bet money on it. Or just, y’know, share it between a few of you.
Supermarket pizzas seem to come in these same basic sizes. Except they do something that sounds like it wouldn’t have much of an effect, but actually does, enormously. They knock an inch off each.
A standard supermarket pizza is 10 inches. 10. Sitting half-way between the rubbish small pizza and the perfectly reasonable normal size pizza, they inevitibly almost fill you up. You’re fine – you don’t really need to eat any more – but you’re always reaching for that last slice only to find there isn’t one. It’s gone. That loss of a single inch has led to you expecting there to be a final slice that isn’t there. That matters, man! I want to feel fulfilled by what I eat!
10 inches is a useless size for a pizza. Which audience is that catering for? Those who never, ever eat a whole pizza to themselves unless it’s 9″ will see it, assume it’s loads bigger, and pass. Those who want something bigger leave disappointed. What a rubbish pizza. This idiocy needs to stop.